The Dark Tower

People have long talked about certain source material which is classified as ‘unfilmable’: novels, graphic novels, comics etc. which, due to complexity, content or sheer fan devotion are deemed too precious, or just too damn hard or convoluted, to put onto a screen.

As technology has improved, and indeed movie studio’s greed has increased, we’re seeing more of these projects released to cinemas and, in a large number of cases, being wildly successful (see The Lord of the Rings, American Psycho and Watchmen for some 5 star proof.)

Many of Stephen King’s novels have also been filed in this category but, in particular, his 8-part fantasy epic The Dark Tower.

Of course, cinema and TV alike has seen many a King adaptation (some of the greatest films of all time have been based on King texts) but there has been particular fervour over this release since its announcement that it had finally escaped production hell.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t paid off and goes down as an example of why the phrase ‘unfilmable’ exists.

Trying to condense so much material into a 90-minute movie that could appease both adults and children, and contain elements of fantasy, horror, sci-fi and western, just was too grand a task.

It tries its best with the material and isn’t actively bad but it just feels extremely ‘meh’, not the required word for a blockbuster.

It starts off well with a dark, family vibe befitting the recent ‘teen series’ explosion. There are echoes of The Hunger Games, The Maze Runner, Miss Peregrine’s Home… et al. with its young protagonist and ‘five-minutes-into-the-future’ set up.

There’s a huge chunk of exposition missing though. We know the titular Dark Tower sits in the 'middle of all things’ and there are some big, bad monsters able to get into the universe should the tower fall.

Matthew McConaughey’s mysterious ‘Man in Black’ (a title given, presumably, for his awful, dyed black, spiky hair cut which makes him look like an also-ran from the nu-metal scene) wants to allow the monsters in, for some unknown reason, and only Idris Elba’s ‘Gunslinger’ (who, for some reason, is impervious to his antagonist’s magic) can stop him.

Character motives are murky at best. After establishing McConaughey as the big-bad he’s then only referred to as Walter in the rest of the movie (a truly nonthreatening name if ever there was one!) and it all just ends massively conveniently with little to no threat level.

There’s so many movies now all fighting for our attention it’s inexcusable that Hollywood would excrete something so bland and forgettable.

The masterful King, and Elba, who does as well as he can here, deserve far better and so do you.

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